Like Hungry Ghosts*

"Like hungry ghosts*, they come creeping in the night, using other people as their food. Darkness and ignorance are their true friends" -- a simple mind

In the war of hearts how do we harm one another? Are things really so difficult that it is necessary that we battle and injure one another? Must we engage in forgiveness, like a band-aid, ever at the ready? In the way of the West, we live "east of Eden". Cast from the garden, the darker forces of the world engage in every opportunity for confusion and obfuscation in the bid to gain the upper hand of ones' souls. The Evil One, enticing, hitches up like Pinocchio to a wagon, pulling it along in dark bidding. Donkeys they are, on a path of disaster.

While dramatic in its depiction, a number of bible stories expose the work of the world, in its darker paths as one of gloom and despair, not unlike animals hitched to an eternal wagon, slavishly pulling it about the heavens. The ancients clearly saw the folly of such a scene. The forces of evil pull us away from the light, from what is for the good. And that brings the wonder of the Christ story to western minds. The Christ story teaches us forgiveness which penetrates the dark, the unconscious, the forgotten places; places where we hid away shame, somber and unfeeling. Free by this redemption, we are retrieved to leap with love.

Authors Allender and Longman write in their book, Bold Love, "One reason that we are so easily blinded by the vital importance of forgiveness is our penchant to deny" that we struggle, that we war with our self and with others. We will value forgiveness when we see the purpose of its relation to the Divine; it becomes the foundation for the comprehension of the goodness that divinity offers, and hope for the fallen.

When a lonely, alone feeling overtakes us in the dark of night some turn to others for a quick, easy escape. They think like the donkeys in Pinocchio there is an easy route out. But there are no shortcuts.
Relationships are messy. While we may see that "plank in your eye," we cannot always perceive the very same plank in our own. Thus writes authors Allender and Longman, "harm comes from those who use anger to harm us... to insult... to assault us... but minimizing the assaults of others rarely, if ever, enables us to deal with anger."

There is the passionate, driving desire for more... desires to possess... through rarely satisfied in a way that acknowledges the loneliness, the empty ache inside... Often the resulting emotion is anger or rage. In the case of children, for example, they are vulnerable and dependent upon adults for their well being. The abandonment of a child is abuse; "the profound omission of involvement, or the equally destructive commission of shaming a child is abuse." paraphrased

The parent betrays a child by means of abandonment and shame. The family unit is demeaned. Children such treated may come to find other means to stave off loneliness or aloneness. Some find it in food, others in cruelty, others in deviant behaviors. Still the aching hole remains. Often a murderous rage simmers within their souls. Some find temporary, though false, relief in relationships. As adults they engage in the "use of other people as food for their empty souls." Like hungry ghosts, they lust to gain satisfaction for their lack.

If we can see for one second, remove our own "planks", we are imbued with the light of the Creator, a desire to glory in the Divine, and that brings us full circle to the value of forgiveness for those whose anger, murderous rage and contempt have been harmful.
That we may find redemption and a new, clean heart to begin again, to accept good and reject evil.
"You want something, but you don't get it; you kill and you covet." James 4:2

* The psychological terms "codependent" or "love addict" are also used; here, "hungry ghost" is preferred for its clearer, more spiritual meaning.

Transformation and Self-Forgiveness

"You cannot forgive yourself until you commit yourself to personal change."  Forgiving Yourself by Beverly Flannigan

Both books written by Beverly Flannigan, Forgiving the Unforgivable and Forgiving Yourself, are two of the most helpful books I've encountered on this pithy subject.
Not only does the author assist the reader in identifying the possible wrong doings, harm and hurt they perpetrate to others, but she offers her readers a critical self assessment to engage in the journey back from ill by those same wrong doers.
In another tradition, one would say that the self-forgiven as Flannigan describes it are those who have taken the hard step of self inquiry and recognized themselves in truth; they wake up to what they do.

We all experience moments of bad, terrible, even perilous judgments that result in harm, sometimes irreparable harm to others. And we may be the cause, the prime element, of that harm. Now some suffer, some may even be dead.
Can we forgive our self for what we do wrong? Accidentally, unintentional or not, the harm is there and cannot be easily removed or retracted. For those who succeed and move on in their lives, change, vast changes are necessary.
Transformation is the name of one of the final chapters of Flannigan's book, Forgiving Yourself.

"Transformation is the subject of countless novels, treatises, movies and textbooks. In a sense, philosophy, psychology and theology all address the essential nature of human beings, and how or if a human being can change fundamentally.
She writes that when people are transformed, they change in a most fundamental way; they in a sense, recreate themselves. Some feel re-born, a newness that their now long struggled for clarity now brings to their daily life.
When one forgives others, one engages in a process that finally admits light to one's own life: now able to see other's limits, weaknesses and faults, they move from unawareness to clarity regarding injury inflicted by others:
 "incorporating that injury into his life" story and no longer blaming nor considering oneself injured; changed--one who is blinded by emotions, wishes and desires to one who now sees the world as it is; they accept change, and a number of its alternate scenarios.

Though similar, self-forgiveness is different in that one struggles with one's own mistakes, faults and weaknesses, gains insight and clarity of one's real, true nature and motives; realizing that everyone is flawed or weak in some way, all exist despite being in a perpetual state of imperfection.
Feeling a guilt which holds one in a recurring pattern, as if imprisoned to face their actions over and over again, genuine self-forgiveness produces someone who no longer hates, feels ashamed or guilty about them self because they now use the self knowledge gained through transformation to set their new course in life. Some who were not spiritually aware of their essential inter-connectedness to others becomes one who now recognizes their essential spiritual interconnectedness to others and to their community.
In any case, transformation requires a relentless, intensive search for truth in all situations, "a continuing undiluted confrontation with truth." It is finally by this means alone that one may forgive them self.

The result of this forgiveness may be a partial or complete re-working of one's values and priorities; what one once believed,  spent time, engaged, valued, ones' associates may all come under scrutiny as the natural course of the transforming process.
For the one who under takes such a task, a new vitality and joy is rightly his reward. Now 'older and wiser,' a person invariably reunites with his human, spiritual community through use of effective, appropriate coping strategies which do no further harm to himself or others; by transforming his life's basic assumptions, by engaging in purification rituals one reconnects with other people, and spiritual activities. Flannigan paraphrased, p. 149

Flannigan further identifies five significant coping strategies often used to reduce life stresses, most of which while potentially beneficial may also be used in a weapon-like way for harm.
Apologies and confessions may at first notice seem quite similar, they have a fundamental difference: apologies are the glue that reconnects most things in life. But they also have the effect giving the authority of acceptance or rejection to another. For this reason, many people refuse to apologize for their mistakes.
They are willing to engage in harm and walk away rather than face another's scathing recriminations or outright rejection.

On the other hand confessions "allows another person to see one's deepest flaws." An apology acknowledges flaws to people who already know about them.
A confession bares one's limitations; it's  in the spirit of forgiving, part of the way to transformation, thus apologies are a necessary first step.
Taking the risk that the offended may not receive our words or gestures well, we do it anyway with the hope of reconnecting. Humility then is at the core of apologies, a recognition of our basic lack of perfection, our clumsy, faulted ways. Apologies "whether directed at another or spoken to a surrogate, open communication" with primarily one's self and potentially with others is the way to transformation.

Precept: On Level Ground, Neither Better Nor Worse*

"Take up the way of meeting others on equal ground." --Buddhist precept as discussed by Diane Rizzetto in her book, Waking Up to What You Do.

In her book, Waking Up to What You Do, Abbess Diane Rizzetto writes on the precept of meeting others on equal ground. She quotes the writer Dag Hammarskjold, Markings: 

"To be humble is not to make comparisons. Secure in

its reality, the self is neither better nor worse, bigger nor smaller, 

than any thing else in the universe. It is nothing; at the same time, 

one with the universe." 

What are the obvious and not so obvious ways that we regard ourselves in light of others? Do we gain self-worth in measuring ourselves against others? Do we consider our own thoughts, our own way? Do we praise ourselves at the expense of others? Or while not praising ourselves, abuse others?

What keeps us from meeting others, from meeting the stranger on equal ground? What about competition--are there winners and losers in the world? How does anger, insecurity, fear, shame and blame block the way of meeting others on equal ground? 

Why must we meet equally? Despite our sometimes fearful and anxious experiences of meeting others with pounding heart and cold hand, adrenaline flowing, making us feel like ice, meeting others on equal ground is important.

Even so, there are many ways we either subtly or overtly avoid our feelings and perceptions of unease with ourselves; we measure, we criticize, blame and shame our way through life.
 Putting others down will pull us up, it seems--maybe. By learning more about the reality of inter-being we come to find that this isn't so.

 Making you dirty, makes me dirty; disrespect to you is disrespect to myself. I am the doing, the making of it all, the dream of self. Considering this perception, we find it isn't limited to speech. Behavior is also a means of competition and measuring ourselves to others.

We may ignore, exclude or avoid others in our activities with the intention to demonstrate a perception of superiority. Sometimes we even think we are more sophisticated, more enlightened than the others. 

In history we learn that the Buddha was enlightened in a simple way, under a tree, no posh hotel or vacation spot for him. The Christ was hung ultimately on a cross, no limousine or finely dressed mourners at his death. 

Gandhi was shot to death, there were no bowing supplicants before him; rather it was the end of a gun. So too for Martin Luther King. 

Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta had no exemplary education beyond courage and will. These figures are burned into our consciousness; they were both humble and great, simple and wise.

Do not admire them; be more like them. Diane Rizzetto writes, "When we speak or act in these [other] ways, clarity, discovery and true dialog [understanding] are lost. 

Even if we don't consciously place ourselves above others...if we're in the game of competition by watching our reactions when we make a mistake... Do we blame... find excuses... jump in defense?" Do we say what it is; that is, do we say, "I forgot, I lost it, I didn't understand?" In being humble, speaking truthfully, we are neither better nor worse.

However, when our focus is to maintain ourselves in a perception of better than others, above them, then we close ourselves, we cut ourselves off. And a separation from the world and others occurs. We then choose to live in division. 

There is now just the dream, that dream of self. Working to see more clearly, vispayana, the ways we judge others, and the ways we place so much of our energy in covering up ourselves due to fear, anxiety, shame-- the same energy is always available to help us to see more clearly and compassionately our own, true selves. Neither better nor worse than others. 

"Whether we place ourselves above or below others, we are substituting an idea about who we are, or who others are, or should be for the simple truth that as human beings we are good at some things and not so good at other things. We fail and succeed; we know and we don't know; we accomplish some useful things in our day, and we mess up some other things. This is what it means to be human..." to be humble, to be neither better nor worse, to be oneself." paraphrased

"Take your practiced powers and stretch them out until they span the chasm between contradictions...for the god wants to know himself in you."

-- Poet Maria Rilke

*The Simple Mind is away from the computer. This article ran here previously, on March 23, 2009.

On Equal Ground

I take up the way of meeting others on equal ground. --Buddhist precept as discussed by Diane Rizzetto in her book, Waking Up to What You Do.


In her book, Waking Up to What You Do, Abbess Diane Rizzetto writes on the precept of meeting others on equal ground. She quotes the writer Dag Hammarskjold, Markings:

"To be humble is not to make comparisons. Secure in its reality, the self is neither better nor worse, bigger nor smaller, than any thing else in the universe. It is nothing;at the same time, one with the universe."

What are the obvious and not so obvious ways that we regard ourselves in light of others? Do we gain self-worth in measuring ourselves against others? Do we consider our own thoughts, our own way? Do we praise ourselves at the expense of others? Or while not praising ourselves, abuse others? What keeps us from meeting others, from meeting the stranger on equal ground? What about competition--are there winners and losers in the world? How does anger, insecurity, fear, shame and blame block the way of meeting others on equal ground? Why must we meet equally?

Despite our sometimes fearful and anxious experiences of meeting others with pounding heart and cold hand, with adrenaline flowing, making us feel like ice, meeting others on equal ground is important. Even so, there are many ways we either subtly or overtly avoid our feelings and perceptions of unease with ourselves; we measure, we criticize, blame and shame our way through life. Putting others down will pull us up, it seems.
By learning more about the reality of inter-being we come to find that this isn't so. Making you dirty, makes me dirty; disrespect to you is disrespect to myself. I am the doing, the making of it all, the dream of self.

Considering this perception, we find it isn't limited to speech. Behavior is also a means of competition and measuring ourselves to others. We may ignore, exclude or avoid others in our activities with the intention to demonstrate a perception of superiority. Sometimes we even think we are more sophisticated, more enlightened than the others.

In history we learn that the Buddha was enlightened in a simple way, under a tree, no posh hotel or vacation spot for him. The Christ was hung ultimately on a cross, no limousine or finely dressed mourners at his death.
Gandhi was shot to death, there were no bowing supplicants before him; rather it was the end of a gun. So too for Martin Luther King.
Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta had no exemplary education beyond courage and will. These figures are burned into our consciousness; they were both humble and great, simple and wise.
Do not admire them; be more like them.

Diane Rizzetto writes, "When we speak or act in this way, clarity, discovery and true dialog [understanding] are lost. Even if we don't consciously place ourselves above others...if we're in the game of competition by watching our reactions when we make a mistake... Do we blame... find excuses... jump in defense?"

Do we say what it is, that is, do we say, "I forgot, I lost it, I didn't understand?"
In being humble, speaking truthfully, we are neither better nor worse. However, when our focus is to maintain ourselves in a perception as better than others, above them, then we close ourselves, we cut ourselves off and separation from the world and others occurs. We then choose to live in division. There now is just the dream, that dream of self.

Working to see more clearly, vispayana, the ways we judge others, and the ways we place so much of our energy in covering up ourselves due to fear, anxiety, shame-- the same energy is always available to help us to see more clearly and compassionately our own true selves.

Neither better nor worse than others. "Whether we place ourselves above or below others, we are substituting an idea about who we are, or who others are, or should be for the simple truth that as human beings we are good at some things and not so good at other things. We fail and succeed; we know and we don't know; we accomplish some useful things in our day, and we mess up some other things. This is what it means to be human..." to be humble, to be neither better nor worse, to be oneself."

Take your practiced powers and stretch them out until they span the chasm between contradictions...for the god wants to know himself in you.--Maria Rilke