Bids For Connection

Trying to hammer our points home, we try and try. Is part of the puzzle the way in which our words are used? Are we received in a way that feels genuine-- after all, mostly, we have a few simple wants at the end of each day. There is a longing for connection, to be felt, to be heard, to be seen, each of which is to be loved. To be loved more for who we are than what it is we do. Each of our lives has its own inherent dignity. How are we treating each other in any given moment?

Writer and thinker, John Gottman refers to these moments as bids for connection. And he says they are as much physical as they are spiritual. We want the one we are speaking to to turn and to listen to us, but we also want their heart to receive and consider our words. For it is deep within that our lives are in part made; while a first attempt may reduce the tension level, it doesn't always lead to the genuine heartfelt connection we often seek.
 Feeling safety in the prospect of vulnerability is possibly core to the ways of genuine spiritual connection with our self first and then others. Writing in his book, The Science of Trust, Gottman says "we can define the very nature of trust as having our partners best interests at heart, rather than just self-interest. Trust is the opposite of a zero sum game." Or perhaps another view is, that I can trust you to be as you are in any given place at any given time.

When we at first react to others, sometimes it's in 'wounded' mode so we can't really receive their message due to our perceived need to hang on tightly to our sense of effrontery or insult to our dignity.
And talk is cheap. We often, unconsciously even, regard others by what they do moreover than by what they say. And then no one wants to be the first to 'give in.' Finding the courage to be the one to make the first move, to overcome the very human reluctance to level, to be neither better nor worse than any other, can be scary.

 There are always risks to our daily interactions, and keeping in mind that love involves both giving and receiving, finding the courage to take the risk, to make the move is actually a very sacred gift to oneself as much as to others. These two essential elements, giving and receiving are the building blocks of the loving connections that we so often seek.
In bidding for connection, one may discover something that feels a whole lot better than fighting, and that together you are capable of producing something that's so much better after all.

Tales of the Hasidim and Emotional Ties

"Awe is what moves us forward."  --Joseph Campbell

The soul, wrote Martin Buber in Tales of the Hasidim, is like the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur, where in the Temple, the High Priest recites the Avodah, עבודה‎, the prayer of remembrance, "and thus he spoke." For he had not forgotten the time his soul was in the body of a High Priest of Jerusalem, and he had no need to learn from the outside how they had served in the temple.
Once he himself related, " I have been ten times in this world: I was a priest, a prince, a king, an exilarch, rosh galut ראש גלות. I was ten different kinds of dignitary. But I never learned to love mankind perfectly. And so I was sent forth again and again in order to perfect my love. If I succeed this time, I shall never return again."
Tales of the Hasidim, by Martin Buber

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Awe is an intuition for the dignity of all things, a realization that things not only are what they are, but also stand, however remotely, for something supreme. Awe is a sense for the transcendence, for the reference everywhere to the mystery beyond all things. It enables us to perceive in the world intimations of the divine... to sense the ultimate in the common and the simple; to feel in the rush of the passing, the stillness of the eternal. What we cannot comprehend by analysis, we become aware of in awe.

Who Is Man? by Abraham Joshua Heschel

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 In Visions: Memories, Dreams, Reflections, Carl Jung writes, "When face to face with such wholeness, a moment of near eternity, one is speechless, for it scarcely can be comprehended. The objectivity that I experienced in the dream, the bliss, and the visions form part of a completed individuation. It signifies detachment from valuations and what we call emotional ties".
"In general emotional ties are very important to human beings... Emotional relationships are relationships of desire... something is wanted, expected of the other person and this binds us... Something else came about as a result of my long illness: an affirmation of things as they are, an unconditional 'yes,' an acceptance of the conditions of existence as I see them and understand them, an acceptance of my own nature..."

'When one lives ones own life, one must take mistakes into the bargain. Life would not be complete without them. There is no guarantee, not for a single moment, that we will not fall into error or stumble into mortal peril. We may think there is a sure road, but that would be the road of death. Then nothing happens anymore--at any rate, not the right things. Anyone who takes the sure road is as good as dead...'

'I understand how important it is to affirm one's own destiny. We must forge a self which can withstand the trials of the world, a self that withstands the winds and seasons of the world, one that endures the truth, that does not break down; a self that is capable of coping with fate. Then, to experience defeat is also to experience victory...'

'I realize that one must also accept the thoughts that go on within oneself of their own accord as part of ones reality. The categories of true and false are, of course, always present... the thoughts are more important than our subjective judgements of them, for they exist as part of our wholeness."

-- Visions: Memories, Dreams, Reflections by Carl Jung