Transformation and Self-Forgiveness

"You cannot forgive yourself until you commit yourself to personal change."  Forgiving Yourself by Beverly Flannigan

Both books written by Beverly Flannigan, Forgiving the Unforgivable and Forgiving Yourself, are two of the most helpful books I've encountered on this pithy subject.
Not only does the author assist the reader in identifying the possible wrong doings, harm and hurt they perpetrate to others, but she offers her readers a critical self assessment to engage in the journey back from ill by those same wrong doers.
In another tradition, one would say that the self-forgiven as Flannigan describes it are those who have taken the hard step of self inquiry and recognized themselves in truth; they wake up to what they do.

We all experience moments of bad, terrible, even perilous judgments that result in harm, sometimes irreparable harm to others. And we may be the cause, the prime element, of that harm. Now some suffer, some may even be dead.
Can we forgive our self for what we do wrong? Accidentally, unintentional or not, the harm is there and cannot be easily removed or retracted. For those who succeed and move on in their lives, change, vast changes are necessary.
Transformation is the name of one of the final chapters of Flannigan's book, Forgiving Yourself.

"Transformation is the subject of countless novels, treatises, movies and textbooks. In a sense, philosophy, psychology and theology all address the essential nature of human beings, and how or if a human being can change fundamentally.
She writes that when people are transformed, they change in a most fundamental way; they in a sense, recreate themselves. Some feel re-born, a newness that their now long struggled for clarity now brings to their daily life.
When one forgives others, one engages in a process that finally admits light to one's own life: now able to see other's limits, weaknesses and faults, they move from unawareness to clarity regarding injury inflicted by others:
 "incorporating that injury into his life" story and no longer blaming nor considering oneself injured; changed--one who is blinded by emotions, wishes and desires to one who now sees the world as it is; they accept change, and a number of its alternate scenarios.

Though similar, self-forgiveness is different in that one struggles with one's own mistakes, faults and weaknesses, gains insight and clarity of one's real, true nature and motives; realizing that everyone is flawed or weak in some way, all exist despite being in a perpetual state of imperfection.
Feeling a guilt which holds one in a recurring pattern, as if imprisoned to face their actions over and over again, genuine self-forgiveness produces someone who no longer hates, feels ashamed or guilty about them self because they now use the self knowledge gained through transformation to set their new course in life. Some who were not spiritually aware of their essential inter-connectedness to others becomes one who now recognizes their essential spiritual interconnectedness to others and to their community.
In any case, transformation requires a relentless, intensive search for truth in all situations, "a continuing undiluted confrontation with truth." It is finally by this means alone that one may forgive them self.

The result of this forgiveness may be a partial or complete re-working of one's values and priorities; what one once believed,  spent time, engaged, valued, ones' associates may all come under scrutiny as the natural course of the transforming process.
For the one who under takes such a task, a new vitality and joy is rightly his reward. Now 'older and wiser,' a person invariably reunites with his human, spiritual community through use of effective, appropriate coping strategies which do no further harm to himself or others; by transforming his life's basic assumptions, by engaging in purification rituals one reconnects with other people, and spiritual activities. Flannigan paraphrased, p. 149

Flannigan further identifies five significant coping strategies often used to reduce life stresses, most of which while potentially beneficial may also be used in a weapon-like way for harm.
Apologies and confessions may at first notice seem quite similar, they have a fundamental difference: apologies are the glue that reconnects most things in life. But they also have the effect giving the authority of acceptance or rejection to another. For this reason, many people refuse to apologize for their mistakes.
They are willing to engage in harm and walk away rather than face another's scathing recriminations or outright rejection.

On the other hand confessions "allows another person to see one's deepest flaws." An apology acknowledges flaws to people who already know about them.
A confession bares one's limitations; it's  in the spirit of forgiving, part of the way to transformation, thus apologies are a necessary first step.
Taking the risk that the offended may not receive our words or gestures well, we do it anyway with the hope of reconnecting. Humility then is at the core of apologies, a recognition of our basic lack of perfection, our clumsy, faulted ways. Apologies "whether directed at another or spoken to a surrogate, open communication" with primarily one's self and potentially with others is the way to transformation.

Beyond Guilt and Shame

"When people forgive themselves, we sense their merger with something big and beyond us; then it is we, who feel shut out and betrayed... forgiveness can provoke jealousy and anger... Forgivers have found the way to peace, while the rest of us watch in confusion, anger or envy." Forgiving Yourself by Beverly Flannigan

Writing further on the essential subject of self-forgiveness, Beverly Flannigan takes up the discussion of what is it in a life when fundamental assumptions about ones self are shattered? What occurs to the one who suddenly is confronted with a reality both different and less than the one which he previously owned? While "retaliation and revenge are an option, forgiveness of our self and others is another option."

Forgiving is a signal to yourself and others that you have learned, that you are once more engaged in the activity of life. It requires a braveness to step forward again with new knowledge and clarity into what is never to be fully known, that is life itself, and move forward. Is not mercy and a portion of justice important both personally and in our society? May it first begin with your self.

Often in our life, we meet with traumatic experiences, experiences which shatter what we previously thought or believed about ourselves. In the bright light of loss of face, the loss of self-respect, we may be plunged into self doubt and shame. When people begin to question their former assumptions about the world, spirituality, their colleagues, family, them self and others, what may have been assumed is now set into turmoil.

If for example, a person "lies, cheats, physically harms, or betrays others, these behaviors may not, at least initially, destroy the perpetrator's assumptions." Assumptions such as: I'm a good person--even though I cheat sometimes;they deserve it; I'm only working for my best... so I have to betray those with what I know; I live in a world where others accept my flaws, but that's because there is something wrong with them."

And when a person causes harm that remains and is injurious, that person perpetrates something which brings their previous assumptions into sharp focus. "An unforgiven wrong-doer is faced with a new set of assumptions," writes Flannigan. "Additionally they are responsible for destroying the very beliefs which held their world together... They now face the new idea that they may not have been a "good person" at all. And others do not unconditionally condone or accept their behavior," in spite of recognition of the transgressor's flaws. Nor can others be forced, or necessarily convinced, to continue in relation as before. The situation ruptures. Sometimes an apology must occur, sometimes, something more is required.

The injurer, for the first time likely, realizes that "other people do not have to condone their injurious actions, and that it is not they who have "now rendered the world less benevolent than it was, it's me." People are often shocked to find that there are limits. In civil society, there is a rhythm, an order which must be attended to; when one harms others, the injured begin to question themselves and what they formerly assumed.

Finally it is the injurer, along with the injured who will have to, like the victim, if they care about what they have done to permanently damage their own belief system, to build again, a new way and a new set of beliefs.

Self-Forgiveness: Confronting Yourself

"It is not possible to forgive yourself when you do not know what you are attempting to forgive." Forgiving Yourself by Beverly Flannigan

Because self-forgiveness is "a small form of peacemaking, it is as in any war, wise to understand the enemy. When you understand the enemy, it is easier to engage in negotiations towards ending hostilities," writes Beverly Flannigan in her book, Forgiving Yourself.
Beginning to forgive yourself by gaining a better self-understanding is critical. Forgiveness in any form is not possible when you do not know what it is that is to be forgiven.
When we seek to obscure our self from our self, often we act angry or forgetful as if this would hide the transgression, or so we think. But only from our eyes is it hidden."Our own flaws and accountability will be lost" in the anger, in the forgetting. "Delays in forgiving oneself can cause a lifetime of unnecessary self-delusion, cover-ups and pain."
Falsely identifying our need to forgive our self can also delay or stall the peace and freedom of self-forgiveness for a very long time. At times we can lapse into many types of dysfunctional behavior in response to the fear that our wrong-doing, or our faults will drown us in painful emotion. Some may become chronically depressed or even suicidal.

In taking the road necessary to peace through self-forgiveness several steps must be undertaken, writes Flannigan. First, name "any false limitations or wrong doings that you may have labored under, so that a determination for forgiveness may be made." Identify the actual sources of mistakenness; come to understand the fundamentals about yourself that have been impaired and need restoration; recognize and observe the feelings that you have about the situation(s) which remain unforgiven; identify the obstacles to seeing clearly those flaws, those limits which prevent a realistic view of yourself. "To forgive, the bright lights of self-discovery and self-understanding must shine upon the one who is to be forgiven, whether yourself or some one else."

False limits and wrongs are defined as "harmful by others and not merely felt emotionally or recognized" by the perpetrator of the presumed injury. For example, some would manipulate others into a position of vulnerability so as to gain compliance with their own agendas, or would perhaps cause one to feel that they, themselves, have violated their moral contracts agreed to previously with others, but in reality one party may have had no part in the negotiating of the agreement; instead they may have complied with the implicit contract out of fear of punishment or shame by the other party. In other words, simply, 'I know something you don't and I'm not telling you, come what may!'
One party may use falsehoods and deception or omission so as to gain an advantage of the other, or to control another. Flannigan writes at length to assist a reader in determining if they do indeed have a grievance either with themselves or others. She lays out concrete questions and steps for her readers.

"Forgiving yourself starts with a process of elimination. Know your limits. No one wants to confront fundamental, personal flaws, but injuries arise from meanness, actions that are against previously held moral agreements or personal limits." Having a "good character" for many people is thought of as one of honesty, generosity, loyalty, kindness and compassion. These are often described as virtues; falling short of these ideals or displaying them in excess may be the cause of the type of blindness that injures the sense of self and harms others.

What Is Self-Forgiveness?

 "Self-forgiveness is a process that can co-exist when others forgive us for hurting them, or when god is at work."
Have your words or your actions at times driven others away? Have you been at times blind to your own weakness, your own limitations? "Does your reluctance to see yourself realistically prompt a disintegration of what you typically assume about yourself?" If you experience these events, then you are likely candidate for self-forgiveness, writes Beverly Flannigan in her book, Forgiving Yourself. Flannigan writes passionately about a subject which she explains is at the very core of peacemaking.

Self-forgiveness can "restore peace within a person, and when peace is restored and hatred eliminated, even self-hatred, good things can result. Self-forgiveness is a process that can co-exist when others forgive us for hurting them, or when god is at work." Yet being forgiven by others does not exclude the need for self-forgiveness. Flannigan writes that the process takes some typical twists and turns on the road to peacemaking for self and others. First self-forgiveness, "results in your being able to finally feel that you have paid your debt to those you think you have owed. Second, self-forgiveness ends the desire to continue punishing yourself for letting your flaws or mistakes hurt other people. Third, self-forgiveness requires a commitment to personal change, and once you have changed, you will feel better about yourself. Fourth, when you have changed, the things you believed about yourself and others begin to make sense again."

Once again, maybe for the first time in a long time, the ideas you hold about yourself and others coincide; your life is no longing troubling, secret or in duality. And your life's meaning fits into a clear view. The process that Flannigan outlines is not easy. To take the walk into self-forgiveness, is a way without short cuts. Many unpleasant and even painful moments arise; this is the result of honest, realistic confrontation of our own being, our functioning, life as it is. This confrontation is greater and deeper than forgiveness of another may require. We may be forgiven, but only we know the depths of our meanness, pettiness and deceit. "It's this knowledge that makes self-forgiveness so hard."